11:30 PM
I'm confused..
I'm bothered..
I'm hurt..
I don't know what to do..
Someone please help me..
The person i trusted the most lied..
It's not like I doubted and went abt questioning..
but the truth just came to light accidentally..
it was really accidental..
because someone taught I was someone else..
and apologized to me..
which in the end I got to find out the truth..
How i wished it never happened..
I rather believed the lie then feel this way..
Everyday I wake up in the morning with this matter in my mind..
Knowing the truth sparked a chain of events..
I starting thinking..
what's with me that you don't like..
Is my care and concern suffocating you??
Am i such a lousy boyfriend??
Or am I getting boring to you??
Unnaturally I wasn't angry..
but I was just sad, disappointed and confused..
You lied to me with a smile and
continue your activities like nothing had happened..
where am I in you??
how many "i have reached home"s are actually lies in the past..
how long have I been a fool..
how many times have I been worrying and..
getting so worked up and concern..
which in fact is all for nothing??
you found out I knew the truth..
but you still defended yourself..
to me it shows how you see me as..
a wall that hinders your way..
I also started thinking..
how many times in the past I sent you home early..
not knowing you actually did not want to go home yet..
What's next? a truth or a lie?
How to differentiate?
The person you trusted the most lied to you..
yet to say the rest that you don't really trust in..
I really wanna die..
The window is wide open everyday every night..
7 stories isn't much of a feat..
maybe a long deep coma is nice..
I want to start trusting..
my trust-0-meter has been peaking and dipping..
but this fell way lower than it ever fell..
I so want to get over this matter..
It's killing me..
Starting the day thinkin about it..
ending the day thinkin about it..
How I wish I had a USB in my head..
I'll plug into the computer..
and delete that file..
everyone lies..
even saying you're alright when you're not..
is also a lie..
but how significant is it compared to lying to fulfill one's needs/ wants..
Honestly I used to be a faithful Christian..
Read the bible faithfully..
Attained the 2nd Stage out of 3 stages of Christian Education in my CCA..
Attend service on every Sunday..
I believed and trusted in God that he will make my life a better one..
but after a series of events happened in my family and in my life..
I began to lose faith in Him..
My dad contracted cancer..
I had frequent quarrels with my family, friends and girlfriend..
I started not to believe in Him..
I regarded the bible as a book of lies..
I did not hate it nor did I hate Him..
just that I percieved it as something not true..
which I spent 4 years putting my strength and faith in..
and it turned out to be a fiasco..
But I still believe He is still there.. somewhere..
So now..
God..
I know you're out there..
Help me with this matter..
It's like a dead end..
I really love her very much..
you know it better than I do
I have lied too..
Not once but many times..
Forgive me and teach me how to forgive others including myself..
I want to be the clown like I used to be in the past..
making people laugh at me or my jokes..
I want to smile naturally instead of forcing one..
I want to regain my appetite and my sleep..
to start everyday healthy and awake..
Please help me..
Amen..
- A sinner -
O_X =))
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