- O_X Never Let Go =))

Friday, November 23, 2007

11:20 PM

depression

anger

breaking down

worthless

burnout

stress

hate

sick

dead

O_X =))

Thursday, November 15, 2007

11:30 PM

I'm confused..

I'm bothered..

I'm hurt..

I don't know what to do..

Someone please help me..

The person i trusted the most lied..

It's not like I doubted and went abt questioning..

but the truth just came to light accidentally..

it was really accidental..

because someone taught I was someone else..

and apologized to me..

which in the end I got to find out the truth..

How i wished it never happened..

I rather believed the lie then feel this way..

Everyday I wake up in the morning with this matter in my mind..

Knowing the truth sparked a chain of events..

I starting thinking..

what's with me that you don't like..

Is my care and concern suffocating you??

Am i such a lousy boyfriend??

Or am I getting boring to you??

Unnaturally I wasn't angry..

but I was just sad, disappointed and confused..

You lied to me with a smile and

continue your activities like nothing had happened..

where am I in you??

how many "i have reached home"s are actually lies in the past..

how long have I been a fool..

how many times have I been worrying and..

getting so worked up and concern..

which in fact is all for nothing??

you found out I knew the truth..

but you still defended yourself..

to me it shows how you see me as..

a wall that hinders your way..

I also started thinking..

how many times in the past I sent you home early..

not knowing you actually did not want to go home yet..

What's next? a truth or a lie?

How to differentiate?

The person you trusted the most lied to you..

yet to say the rest that you don't really trust in..

I really wanna die..

The window is wide open everyday every night..

7 stories isn't much of a feat..

maybe a long deep coma is nice..

I want to start trusting..

my trust-0-meter has been peaking and dipping..

but this fell way lower than it ever fell..

I so want to get over this matter..

It's killing me..

Starting the day thinkin about it..

ending the day thinkin about it..

How I wish I had a USB in my head..

I'll plug into the computer..

and delete that file..

everyone lies..

even saying you're alright when you're not..

is also a lie..

but how significant is it compared to lying to fulfill one's needs/ wants..

Honestly I used to be a faithful Christian..

Read the bible faithfully..

Attained the 2nd Stage out of 3 stages of Christian Education in my CCA..

Attend service on every Sunday..

I believed and trusted in God that he will make my life a better one..

but after a series of events happened in my family and in my life..

I began to lose faith in Him..

My dad contracted cancer..

I had frequent quarrels with my family, friends and girlfriend..

I started not to believe in Him..

I regarded the bible as a book of lies..

I did not hate it nor did I hate Him..

just that I percieved it as something not true..

which I spent 4 years putting my strength and faith in..

and it turned out to be a fiasco..

But I still believe He is still there.. somewhere..

So now..

God..

I know you're out there..

Help me with this matter..

It's like a dead end..

I really love her very much..

you know it better than I do

I have lied too..

Not once but many times..

Forgive me and teach me how to forgive others including myself..

I want to be the clown like I used to be in the past..

making people laugh at me or my jokes..

I want to smile naturally instead of forcing one..

I want to regain my appetite and my sleep..

to start everyday healthy and awake..

Please help me..

Amen..

- A sinner -

O_X =))

Monday, November 12, 2007

10:32 AM

wats the joy in lying?

it takes another lie to cover up that lie..

and it takes another one to cover up again..

and it goes on..

and after awhile..

it's a huge pile of lies..

and when the truth comes to light..

it's so hurting..

and it takes another lie to reason why you ly..

to make a person believe the lie..

is the same as misplacing the trust of the person..

or simply to say just taking the person for granted..

even an apology doesn't plaster the wound of a lie..

especially when it happens all over again..

why ly if you don't like it to be done to yourself..

wats the joy in it?

O_X =))

Sunday, November 4, 2007

10:35 PM

was browsing through my baby photos..

when i chanced upon photos..

of my late grandmother's..

all of a sudden i miss her so much..

i miss her food..

i miss her hugs..

i miss her presence..

i miss her warmth..

i miss her love..

tears just trickled down my eyes..

i miss you..

i can never forget that day..

when you spoke your last few words to me..

i'll always remember you, grandma.

O_X =))

Friday, November 2, 2007

1:42 PM

I have never asked you to choose..

All I hoped for was some genuine attention..

which i never had..

O_X =))

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

11:28 PM

Emology..

Whenever I'm down..

or I feel alone..

I'll browse through the photos we took in the past..

it's because that's the time I really enjoyed myself..

it reminds me those times spent..

and a glimpse of hope that it will happen again..

as promised when we crossed our fingers..

combined with striking our thumbs..

These few days..

I've been viewing the photos quite frequently..

I feel very transparent..

It's like I'm starting to be a nobody..

I don't feel special to you anymore..

I felt special in the past..

you made me feel so but not now..

I begin to feel secondary and neglected..

It's been a long time since..

we went out together without any distractions..

We usually meet after class or go out and have fun..

just the 2 of us and noone else..

laughing and joking without anyone disturbing..

movies on Fridays are like mandatory..

Everyday when the day ends..

there was a hunger to go out with each other..

avoiding the ever much noisy crowd..

spending the rest of the day peacefully..

before calling a day..

now..

everything have changed..

it's so secondary..

I'm like a 2nd-hand item..

worries fills in..

when your absence is in my presence

i'm having alot of difficulties..

getting used to the changes..

as everyday i start my day..

with the same feel 8 months ago..

the feeling which never changed..

despite the environmental change..

still as strong and passionate as before..

maybe that's why i break down more often these days..

i go home with a heavy heart..

my legs are weak and my mind is heavy..

but my soul still believes in O_X =))..

as said..

"The higher you climb..

the deeper you fall "..

I need to get use to all of these..

As i personally forecast..

I'm going weather this storm for a very long time..

Where has all those promises made, gone to?

I'm slpy..

I wanna get my PP done..

but ain't in the mood..

I miss sailing..

I miss driving the boats..

I miss doing many stuff..

Browse through the photos..

finally booked the Singapore Flyer sucessfully..

14 Match 2008 will be the special day..

hope nothing crops up on that day..

I'm not giving up..

Cause I believe..

Tomorrow will be a better day..

Goodnight world..

Goodnight =)) ..

O_X =))

Monday, October 29, 2007

10:30 PM

It's not Christmas yet..

But I really want to make one wish..

i wish ...

O_X =))

Thursday, October 25, 2007

10:08 PM

Have you ever felt..

when you're in a situation..

which you needed that someone..

that someone so important to you..

to be by your side..

but he/she is never there..

and you feel so alone..

even if 500 friends comes to find you..

It doesn't make the difference, that someone makes..

because as said..

that someone is so important to you..

and he/she is bothered by something secondary..

but he/she thinks it's more primary compared to you..

which you think isn't as important..

It certainly is disappointing and sad..

It spoils the rest of the day..

and maybe the week..

I felt like killing myself in order not to feel like this again..

but i chose to persevere..

hopefully there's a change in the cards..

O_X =))

3:35 PM

無視される

O_X =))

10:55 AM

sick & alone..

haizz

O_X =))

8:36 AM

i wish that you were here right now..

O_X =))

Monday, October 22, 2007

12:22 AM

So much of a promise..
it's 12:22am..
she said she'll be home before 12..
she'll message me when she reach home..
till now.. 0 messages..
I've woked up 3 times in the past 1 hour..
wondering if she's home..
eyes red of insufficient sleep..
all paranoid and worried..
don't dare to message her..
infraid she finds me irritating while she's having fun..
haiz..
where are you..

O_X =))

Sunday, October 21, 2007

10:38 PM

People say singlehood rocks..

I say both of them doesn't rock..

People say singlehood rocks..

simply to find an excuse to..

shoo away from their problems..

When I was about the break with my ex..

I too taught singlehood was great..

Free from problems..

And when I was single..

It felt great..

But all those greatness will come to an end..

when you start to like someone..

And when the feeling comes to a limit..

That you want be with her/him..

That's when you think singlehood sucks..

It's the feeling that you want to be with him/her but you can't..

So how ironic is it when people say..

"singlehood rocks"..

So my cousin has a boyfriend..

He's from the Navy..

While she's a speech therapist..

and a councellor in KK Womens Hosp..

Sound like a nice couple huh!?

Well I think they are..

So had a long chat with that cousin a few hours ago..

Been pouring why I felt so lousy this weekend..

So in conclusion..

I am going to be more flexible..

I got to admit..

I'm constantly reminded of my 1st gf..

the feeling of loosing her..

and maybe that's why..

I'm so concerned or..

maybe too concerned over the current one..

that she may feel suffocated..

She has always have a choice..

a choice of own freewill..

Maybe i was too demanding..

I had always wanted to be with her 24/7..

And whenever I am free..

I wouldn't mind finding her/ being with her..

rather I want to..

But I can't possibly make her as free as me..

she has her family and friends..

I have a family and friends..

but most of them just high-bye friends..

thus I am usually much more free..

I can't possibly be with her whenever I want to..

I got to give some thought about what she really wants..

maybe she wants to be with others on that day..

or do what she likes..

She's someone who is popular among people esp guys..

I have to live with that..

She does things unknowingly that makes other turn their heads..

whenever there's fun..

She forgets everything else..

Cousin told me..

It's never easy to fight jealousy..

as it goes down deep in the person's character..

Do what I do best..

And try not to control things not within my range..

And also to do it with a smile in the heart..

And that's what I'm striving for..

I'm feeling all emo now..

And emo atmostphere but a determined heart..

I love her with all my heart..

Those lies.. those wrongdoings..

those tears.. those pain..

Were all forgiven..

Was playing around with my Facebook account..

Designed my room..

I hope it'll be like this soon..

iLOVEyou-

O_X =))

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

11:12 PM

14th Oct..

Marks 8months of relationship..

8months of fun, love, laughter and quarrels..

Since that day..

I had random thoughts in my mind..

I ponder upon them..

And at the end of those thoughts..

A smile was produced..

Through these 8months..

Things have changed..

I've begin to understand more about her..

I begin to believe in both myself and her..

and most importantly..

I begin to believe in us..

Quarrels in future will evolve as time goes by..

It's inevitable..

But I efficant that we have the ability to overcome them..

I really want this to work out..

Even the most simple way will do..

I've made a commitment..

And will always keep to it..

I'm prepared to wait 5.. 10.. 15years..

Even if she decides to go overseas for her career or studies..

I've found trust and acceptance in us..

I once feel that her loud voice is very irritating..

And I know it just won't change..

I put it to myself..

I will change..

If others can accept her..

So can I as I love her more than they do..

I just want a simple relationship..

Simple is good..

O_X =))

Wednesday, October 3, 2007

12:27 AM

Trust..

My trust first plunged..

when you told me you still loved him..

I managed to bring it back up..

You lied..

I still trusted..

People spreading rumours saying..

you with so-and-so blah blah blah in the presence of me..

I felt jealous..

Not once but many times..

but I still trusted..

I knew you're someone who really..

Takes into account what others thinks of you..

I just said some stuff that hope will get the message across..

And my trust was doubted..

My heart sank..

It's always me putting myself in your shoes..

Not that I've not tried..

I have..

I always try my best to..

but how about my shoes..

Many at times it's always about understanding you..

Little at times it's always about understanding me..

Attention is what you liked..

I gave all of mine..

I just hoped to have a little of yours..

maybe a little more..

Because you're someone impt to me..

Whatever you do is always right..

whatever I do that you don't seem right is always wrong..

Something goes wrong..

Regardless of whose fault..

I always feel guilty..

If this ends..

So will I meaning my life..

And I'm sure it doesn't make much of a difference..

Because I'm just another human..

everyone make use of..

Noone gives a farking damn about me..

I just hate myself for the way I am..

The character I have..

The actions I make..

and the thoughts I have..

O_X =))

Sunday, September 23, 2007

1:35 PM

I'm just not boyfriend material..

Since the start..

I was the problem..

I'm disappointed with myself..

Still I love her..

O_X =))

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

12:19 AM

I feel very lousy now..

Very disappointed..

Very sad..

Suddenly have to give up..

everything I've planned..

The phonecalls made..

The drafting done..

All the time spent..

The information searched..

The questions asked..

All the effort put in..

and all the hopes..

Just gone..

The higher the hopes..

the deeper the plunge..

I had high hopes..

that's why my heart's just fell deep.. deep..

Thinking about it alone..

makes me wanna break down..

It's going to plague me for a couple of days..

maybe weeks..

I'm really disappointed.. very..

how meaningful is sorry..

when it happens all over again..

life's not always pleasant..

mine i guess is just that bumpy..

I'll ride this bumpy road..

with whatever determination I still have..

as long as you are..

happy

O_X =))

O_X =))

Saturday, September 8, 2007

10:21 AM

O_X =))

9:52 AM

O_X =))

Friday, September 7, 2007

10:29 PM

Friday night..

A night I always look forward to..

A night which all worries..

and misunderstandings are forgotten..

A movie..

A meal at NYDC..

Friday was like a compulsory day out for both of us..

But tonight..

It's different..

After a hot tiring day..

Anyone would want..

to be able to go out with their love ones..

to be able to cuddle with them..

or get a good comfortable massage..

or even a simple meal..

to end the day with high spirits..

Not for today..

I feel alone..

alone in the world..

I feel I've been taken for granted..

My care..

my kindness..

my understanding..

my love..

taken for granted..

Now at 2333..

She's not yet replied my sms..

She was last heard in a pub with her friends..

who dragged her there..

What friends drags their friends to places they..

knew they wouldn't want to go..

1 and a half hours earlier..

she said she would be leaving soon..

as she don't like the place nor the drinks..

And both of us know..

She can't hold alcohol well..

Everyone has friends..

these are humans you get alone with..

Other then your family and relatives..

people you go out and chill out with..

some are good some are bad..

It's good to have friends..

I have no lightest intention to stop her from having friends..

Just that maybe I'm overly protective..

Which I guess why my parents also worries about me..

1 and a half hours later..

I hear nothing from her..

If you are in my position..

How would you feel..

I AM SO FARKING WORRIED..

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

I shout at my mum, sis and maid..

at the slightest irritation I encounter..

sorry..

I'm just not in the mood..

I've always thought for her..

and about her..

Everyday without fail..

I will think..

how is she..

has she eaten..

is she hungry..

is she sick..

is she safe..

does she need anything..

what should i buy for her..

where should we go later..

what will she like..

what surprises would I give her..

when would be a good time to meet her..

how to make her feel comfortable..

what... where... how... when...

I've always thought about her..

never once put myself before her..

Many a times..

I feel I have only a friend..

yes.. 'a' friend.. 1 friend..

which is also my girlfriend..

the rest seemed like a "Hi-Bye" friend..

you see them - Hi..

and after that before you part - Bye..

and the cycle goes on and on..

haiz..

What am I to everyone out there..

I really wanna know..

a son? a friend? a loved one? an enemy?

a special someone? someone useful to your schemes?

or?

Sighing has been 2nd nature to me today..

Sitting at Pasir Ris with all these random thoughts..

flowing through the empty head..

relishing past memories both pleasant and not..

I really feel like jumping into the ocean..

and drown myself..

But there's a wall that stopped me..

A wall built by promises made..

promises not yet broken..

nor fulfilled..

Bottomline..

I miss her..

I'm farking worried..

And a tear just fell..

Goodnight world..

Goodnight dear..

wherever you are..

iLOVEyou-

O_X =))